Saturday, 16 June 2012

Million Lovers Ago

Somewhere in-between sorrow, late time, indecisiveness and music i came to realise this one thing; no matter what, I was still in love with him. It wasn't the first time that had crossed my mind but after all what more could I do for that 'love'? What's on top of that, I am heads over heels for another guy I am planning my uncertain future with. For, all of this led to the inevitable question, how over are we someone when we start a new relationship?
You don't have to be for 3 years with someone to get crazy about him, start have feelings or think about him quite often but keep in mind this is what a person who believes in love at first sight says. It sounds pretty normal to me though, the other person does not have to do anything to make you start fancy him, it is all how you see him. Mainly this is what happened with me, it only took me two days to realise that I want to spend all my University years with the first fit guy I met at my halls and assure you he had NO IDEA what was going on. That was not his fault but mine (though, the fact that we made out and then slept in his room, just slept, should have given him a hint that I liked him). As the weeks got by the only result was me getting more attached with him as, guess what, he did nothing to lead me on. I don't want to sound bitter but lets all silently agree that we know when someone does not fancy us back for nothing more than first, second or even third base. We just tend to overanalyse everything, what do you think am I doing now, no matter that we do know what's going on and what's best for us. 
It took me more than six months to say out loud and believe that since he does not try to get with me it's because, guess what again, he does not want to get with me. I assure you that the admitting part is more painful when you know it from the beginning, like I did. After many drunk nights, drunk texts, kisses with guys you don't fancy and whatever embarrassing pops into your mind right now your best friend brings in your life THE PERFECT BOY. You are so happy you wish for something to go wrong so it can prove that you're still in reality (oh, believe me, it will eventually) and then BOOM you see the 'bad' boy who broke your heart, and confidence, and who was the reason you got drunk all these nights (the fact that he didn't do it on purpose does not change anything) and your heart missed a beat again. It's always that crooked smile, the sound of his laugh or the awkward way he touches his hair that gets you realise that maybe no matter that you don't think about him anymore, you don't want to be with him in no way, you still kind of wishing you could have worked something out and that you wouldn't need to find of a lame excuse for not spending another awkwardly painful minute with him. 
As above, I don't want to be with him in any circumstances but I still cherish these very few moments we had together no matter that they happened ten months ago. I take it back, I am not in love with him anymore, I am in love with what I used to see in him, things I can still see, things that make me blush but hell, I am not in love with him as I used to be. So, how much in love can you be with your ex lovers to still consider it 'not enough'? Because deep inside, I am still in love with many of my ex lovers, my first boyfriend, the guy in my high school that we never kissed, the first guy that touched me, the one who got me waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend for a year and my only one night stand but nothing can compare to what I feel right now for my current one. I guess, you can never get fully over the ones that touched one of your chords, one way or another, no matter for how long or even if they know they did. Plus, I want all my ex lovers to still think about me and get butterflies, smile or even roll their eyes and laugh because they still believe I am loveable and if they have a girlfriend while they do so does not count at all. 
We don't cheat, it's not that we do not love the person we are together now is just that they don't say for no reason that 'to be able 'o love your present you have to love your past as well' and after all, my previous relationships as weird, ruined and unsuccessful they were, they our past and personally talking, I freaking love my past.

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